Jonny Wilkinson scores
A young man on a visit to Australia kicked a rugger ball over the cross-bar and between the goal-posts, and the entire British nation went berserk. (The English, anyway.) The enormous victory parade held to celebrate the return from Australia of plain Sir Jonny (as he then was, or was about to become) far exceeded the protest demonstrations against George W Bush’s visit and the parade held to mark the end of the Falklands war. Now Jonny is a hot tip to replace the Queen, given that her knee problems seem likely to make it impossible for her to continue long to reign over us, notwithstanding our fervent prayers to the contrary every time we sing the national anthem. King-designate Jonny is also widely expected to appoint himself to form a government as soon as Mr Blair’s dodgy tummy compels him to offer the new King his resignation (which incidentally means the whole ministry resigning, too: eat your heart out, Gordon). "Swing Low, Sweet Chario-ot" has already replaced God Save the Queen as the new national anthem, not only in tribute to King Jonny but also as a mark of respect to the Muslims and the National Secular Society. There is a movement in the EU to appoint the new young King and his magic rugger boot President of the Commission in recognition of his Jason-like feat, not to mention his foot, in retrieving an ornamental gold cup from the southern hemisphere for Europe. A grateful nation has awarded its youthful monarch-to-be a pension for life of 10 million Euros a year and a time-share on the Algarve in addition to the Civil List and other royal expenses. The empty plinth in Trafalgar Square is to be occupied — no, not by a statue of King Jonny, but by the statue of Nelson from the top of his column, where it will be replaced by a new statue of Jonny already being sculpted jointly by Tracy Ermin and Damien Hirst . There are even reports that the Archbishop of Canterbury has been looking uncharacteristically worried in recent days. What a drop goal! At least we have got our priorities right.